- Thou shalt pregame. $7 for a twelve-ounce beer, $10 for a twenty-four ounce. Do you really want to pay those inflated alcohol prices? Didn’t think so. Neither do I.
- Thou shalt buy thy ticket ahead of time. Just do it. It will make your life so much easier come concert day. You’ll already be waiting in the line to get into the venue. Why tack on another?
- Thou shalt arrive early. Don’t get mad when you get stuck in the crappy area in the back trying in vain to peer around the heads of those vertically inclined individuals in front of you because you got there late. If you want to be up front, get there early, wait in line, grab your chunk of floor, and wait some more. Which leads us to….
- THOU SHALT NOT SHOVE THYSELF IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. Those people in front of you got there early, waited hours in line, then probably waited another hour standing in their cherished front row spot. They’re tired, their feet hurt, and they’ve earned that spot, dammit. Don’t be an asshole by rushing the stage when the artist comes on and attempting to elbow those patient devoted fans out of your way. If you want that spot, get there early and wait/suffer with them.
- Thou shalt enjoy thyself! You’re at a concert. Move. You’ll have more fun, the people around you will have more fun, and the performer will have more fun. When they’re up there rocking out and workin’ hard, do you think they want to look out and see a room full of zombies? No. The more fun you have, the more fun they have, and the better the concert experience will be for everyone. (I acknowledge that not all concerts are conducive to this, such as sit-down shows. Whatever. Proceed to the next commandment.)
- Thou shalt not yell rude things at the performer. Why would you even do this in the first place? Alas, there’s one in every crowd. The performer is taking a moment to speak to the crowd, and someone yells out “sing!”. You might have paid to see the show, but that doesn’t make them your servant. Show some couth.
- Thou shalt wait thy turn to meet the performer. This is along the same lines as commandment four. Don’t cut in front of other fans patiently waiting to meet the artist. We all learned how to wait our turn in kindergarten. You can do it.
- Thou shalt not act like a blubbering buffoon. Should you get to meet the artist, don’t act like a prepubescent tween at a Bieber concert. Play it cool, then freak out about it later.
- Thou shalt not steal from other fans. The first time I saw Joan Jett, my buddy, who is consistently lacking in funds, went with me. He worked extra hours to afford the luxury of buying a t-shirt at the show. Someone stole it while we were rocking out. He couldn’t replace it. Not. cool.
- Thou shalt be satisfied. Regardless of how it ends, just be happy that you had the experience.
Here’s another Top 10 list, this time about the worst bad guys there are (in literature):
- 10. Claudius from Shakespeare’s Hamlet
- He killed his brother and married his sister-in-law, which makes him a pretty bad guy. But he didn’t even have the guts to murder King Hamlet with dignity—no, he poured poison in his ear while he slept. Claudius is a coward on top of a murderer, which is what gets him on this list, though only in the 10 slot.
- 9. Dr. Moriarty from Sherlock Holmes
- He’s the anti-Holmes. All the skill and wit and none of the desire to do good. An evil mastermind with no hesitations about killing innocents to get to Holmes. The “Napoleon of Crime,” he is the only one that is able to defeat the great Sherlock Holmes.
- 8. The White Witch from The Chronicles of Narnia
- Cold, cruel, and beautiful, the White Witch claims the throne as Queen of Narnia and brings with her a winter that lasts 100 years. She is conniving and evil, seeking out the weaknesses in human character and exploiting them to further her power over the inhabitants of Narnia. Anyone who stands against her, or simply annoys her in the slightest, is turned unforgivably into stone.
- 7. Big Brother from 1984
- Dictator of the totalitarian state of Oceania. His name has become synonymic with corrupt government and power abuse. He is the all-seeing entity that is “Watching You” always, and is a source of total fear in the people he rules.
- 6. Jekyll/Hyde from The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
- While Jekyll is considered the “good” side of the character, he is truly only the lesser of two evils. Hyde is always somewhere in the back of his mind, his experiment merely brings that part of him into the open, rather then hiding it from the people around him. Hyde is the most disgusting version of Jekyll—he tramples a child with no second thought, but the instant his own safety is put in danger he goes crying to Jekyll to save him.
- 5. Lord Voldemort from Harry Potter
- He was willing to split his soul into fragments for the sake of gaining immortality. He killed his father for the sin of “impurity” and destroyed numerous innocents for the same reason. A literary version of Hitler, Voldemort has no capacity for remorse for his actions and is portrayed as so cold and heartless he seems completely inhuman.
- 4. Count Dracula from Dracula
- Though the idea of Dracula has become something almost desirable in recent culture, Dracula is truly a vile, wicked character that preys on the innocent and feeds babies to his “wives” to please them. FlavorWire calls him “a brutal, smelly, scheming, foreign, abusive, wife-stealing, wife-beating, arrogant, bigamous, presumptive, bigoted, thieving, monomaniacal invader of decent British homes”. He is the definition of everything a vampire is supposed to be.
- 3. Sauron from The Lord of the Rings
- The most power being in all of Middle Earth, folk from the Shire, Gondor, Rohan and the rest of Tolkien’s world fear and loathe him. He murders anyone and everyone who stands in his way and destroys homes and villages without provocation. His thirst for power drives him to do unspeakable things to his enemies and his allies alike, and corrupts whoever comes into contact with his rings of power.
- 2. Iago from Shakespeare’s Othello
- Originally a trusted friend of Othello, Iago tricks him into killing his wife because Iago lies and tells him she has had an affair. His only reason for this seems to be spite, rather than any reasonable motive. After Othello kills his wife and her alleged lover, Iago then tells what Othello has done and Othello is tortured to death because of it. Iago has no motivation. NONE. I mean really…what the hell.
- 1. Satan from Paradise Lost
- The archetype himself, Satan is the example for everything that a bad guy should be. He’s a fallen angel, something that was once beautiful that is spoiled by greed and power. His famous quote, “Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven,” displays the corrupt nature of Satan’s character because he believe that to have power over the worst of the worst is still superior to living under the command of the best of the best.
What do you think? Did we totally miss one? The order messed up? Let us know in the comments.
In the great literary tradition set forth in this post, contributor Daniel Myers gives us the first installment of this, the Top ten Hottest Literary Babes. &mdashEditor
10. Marry Poppins
To break this list, being really, really ridiculously good-looking is not enough. Mary Poppins is not just a physically gorgeous specimen (just look at Julie Andrews!), she dances, prances, and sings like a goddess. She is also fun, energetic, and dances with penguins. I’d give her a spoonful of sugar any day to make my medicine go down.
9. Hermione Granger
Through the first tree books, the only subject Hermione never dominated was in the looks department. Right when it seemed as though she would get a mere B on the attractive scale, she drank from the goblet of hotness. Ron is one lucky wizard.
8. Catherine from Wuthering Heights
She had to choose between Heathcliffe and Edgar even though I’m sure tons of guys were vying for her. While she only lives for half the book, her hotness as illustrated by her offspring shapes the second half. Heathcliffe is tormented by her death, and quite frankly, who wouldn’t be?
7. Jane from Pride and Prejudice
If I were a mother and had to pick a favorite, I too would choose the more attractive one. While her only solid characteristic is her good looks, that’s one glorious characteristic. She would be the Kim Kardashian (without the whorish qualities) of our generation, dating someone from the NFL and then the NBA and so on.
6. Ophelia from Hamlet
You know you’re hot when a prince wants you. Even with Hamlet’s realization that his uncle killed his father and married his mother, he still finds the energy to flirt with her during the play. This is not an indicator of Hamlet’s out of whack head frame, but a testament to Ophelia’s hotness. The reason Hamlet tells her to “get thee to a nunnery” is because he wants to visit it.
The top 5 will come out next week!!!
IF you’ve every found yourself drooling over the dreamy man on the pages of the of a literature assignment, do not dismay friend for you are in good company. My goal for this blog was to list and rank the hottest men who made up our favorite fantasies, but I soon discovered the research I needed for that post was exceedingly difficult to perform. Sadly, there is no database of literary authors complete with a headshot and rating. Instead, I found tons of posts about the hottest men we’ve ever pretended existed. And honestly, that makes a much better top 10 list. Unlike real men, our fictional favorites won’t let us down with their inadequacies, because they don’t actually have minds of their own. They will forever remain the sensual and attractive guys we found so desirable without all the let downs those all too real authors are certain to be full of. I’ve compiled a list the blog posts of others literature fanatics and a little of my own opinion. I definitely don’t agree with all of them, but our online community has spoken. So here’s to the hottest men we will never actually get to meet in real life, but will always remember!