Ten Commandments of Concert Goers

  1. Thou shalt pregame. $7 for a twelve-ounce beer, $10 for a twenty-four ounce. Do you really want to pay those inflated alcohol prices? Didn’t think so. Neither do I.
  2. Thou shalt buy thy ticket ahead of time. Just do it. It will make your life so much easier come concert day. You’ll already be waiting in the line to get into the venue. Why tack on another?
  3. Thou shalt arrive early. Don’t get mad when you get stuck in the crappy area in the back trying in vain to peer around the heads of those vertically inclined individuals in front of you because you got there late. If you want to be up front, get there early, wait in line, grab your chunk of floor, and wait some more. Which leads us to….
  4. THOU SHALT NOT SHOVE THYSELF IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. Those people in front of you got there early, waited hours in line, then probably waited another hour standing in their cherished front row spot. They’re tired, their feet hurt, and they’ve earned that spot, dammit. Don’t be an asshole by rushing the stage when the artist comes on and attempting to elbow those patient devoted fans out of your way. If you want that spot, get there early and wait/suffer with them.
  5. Thou shalt enjoy thyself! You’re at a concert. Move. You’ll have more fun, the people around you will have more fun, and the performer will have more fun. When they’re up there rocking out and workin’ hard, do you think they want to look out and see a room full of zombies? No. The more fun you have, the more fun they have, and the better the concert experience will be for everyone. (I acknowledge that not all concerts are conducive to this, such as sit-down shows. Whatever. Proceed to the next commandment.)
  6. Thou shalt not yell rude things at the performer. Why would you even do this in the first place? Alas, there’s one in every crowd. The performer is taking a moment to speak to the crowd, and someone yells out “sing!”. You might have paid to see the show, but that doesn’t make them your servant. Show some couth.
  7. Thou shalt wait thy turn to meet the performer. This is along the same lines as commandment four. Don’t cut in front of other fans patiently waiting to meet the artist. We all learned how to wait our turn in kindergarten. You can do it.
  8. Thou shalt not act like a blubbering buffoon. Should you get to meet the artist, don’t act like a prepubescent tween at a Bieber concert. Play it cool, then freak out about it later.
  9. Thou shalt not steal from other fans. The first time I saw Joan Jett, my buddy, who is consistently lacking in funds, went with me. He worked extra hours to afford the luxury of buying a t-shirt at the show. Someone stole it while we were rocking out. He couldn’t replace it. Not. cool.
  10. Thou shalt be satisfied. Regardless of how it ends, just be happy that you had the experience. 

Everyone Is Gay…(But Not Really)

Despite visible figures such as Ellen Degeneres, Lady GaGa and shows like Glee, questioning lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered youth (LGBT) still have a difficult time finding people or resources to help answer their questions. However, two young women, Dannielle Owens-Reid and Kristin Russo, have created a blog called everyoneisgay.com where anyone can submit questions anonymously and receive an unbiased, educated, humorous (and sometimes very vulgar) response. Not only does the website appeal to questioning youth, but parents of people in the LGBT community and even straight couples find support within the website because the blog has succeeded by using humorous rhetoric to help bring comfort to web users as well as help the general population understand the issues that are occurring in the LGBT community.

Sigmund Freud believed that the expression of humor releases “the tensions of repressing the impulse to be aggressive.”  Danielle and Kristin channeled this concept when they responded to a poster who said “I hat gay people. Sorry.” Kristin and Dannielle stood their ground and did not explode towards this person but simply responded with “They make hats out of gay people?!” This reveals a lot about their character. By appearing to not even understand the insult, the everyoneisgay.com team seems to be the innocent ones, reiterating the fact that they are being attacked while saying very few words. Kristin Russo states in a video interview with Space Station Media that everyoneisgay.com wants to bring the community together- “not just the gay community, not just the trans community, and not just the queer community, but the entire community,” letting everyone know that we are no different and that we all struggle. This identification the two women make with their audience is crucial to making the blog successful and attempting to unite different communities. Finding a common ground or an understanding of each other allows the persuasive argument to move forward. Their response to the anti gay post was a very smart and subtle way of doing exactly this. David Paletz claims that viewing “something humorously is generally to cease to regard it as an enemy… to laugh at someone in political humor is to step toward community with him.” Instead of choosing to argue back with the attacker, Dannielle welcomed the attack and turned it into a positive example for readers.

Another aspect of the site that comforts visitors is the raw honesty, openness, and the fact that the women poke fun at themselves. On Saturday postings they write about a topic of their choice. Danielle opened one post up with “I hate to be a total stereotype, but like, I wanna talk about our cats again… so I will.” Poking fun and admitting that she is the stereotypical lesbian cat lover is an excellent and hilarious way of pointing out her own weakness and making herself more personable, letting the readers know that she does not claim to be all-knowing and powerful. This appeals to younger readers because the blog is written by two youthful women instead of parental- like figures.

The use of silly, slang sentences like “you gotta put some communicaysh in your relaysh” is a way of lessoning tensions and saying “you need to incorporate communication in your relationship”  and encourages young readers to follow their advice without feeling preached to. If one finds themselves confused by the vocabulary the site provides a “Glossary of Things Dannielle Says.” Many of the words are unique to everyoneisgay.com and are not seen anywhere else. When referring to the male anatomy, Dannielle addresses it as a “peeneewoo.” This draws visitors back because the humorous vocabulary and syntax cannot be found anywhere else.

The unique and odd humorous blog entries by Kristin and Dannielle are succeeding in their goal of uniting their audience of different sexual orientations and helping them reconsider the legitimacy of the sexually orientated stereotypes. The success is apparent by the attention the site has received from a wide variety of people who send in questions every day. The humor breaks down barriers of hostility and doubt of the drastically different heterosexual and homosexual communities to show the struggles that each of them shares.

Today’s Top News Stories

Child Becomes Youngest University Student, Throws Nut Into A Cup

LUANDA, ANGOLA—Although there has been much controversy with the diminished quality of the American education system, history was made in Luanda, Angola Thursday when 14-year-old Djimon Chumbra officially became the youngest student to be admitted to The University of Luanda, the country’s most prestigious and only university. Kandeh Bumkella spoke on behalf of the university’s acceptance committee when he explained that Chumbra passed the entrance exam with “flying colors” when she exemplified extraordinary skill at throwing a nut into a cup. She was also asked to take on the task of slitting a goat’s throat, releasing the blood into a gourd, and mixing it with the goat’s milk. Chumbra is looking forward to broadening her horizons and would like to someday be a successful accountant. Chumbra is excited about her first courses at The University of Luanda: An Introduction to Snare Building, The Fundamentals of Basket Weaving, Foods and Other Things That Look Nice But That You Will Never Get To Try, and Tactics of Avoiding Guerrilla Warfare 101.

Study Shows That Drinking Gasoline Will Not Prolong Life

CHICAGO—An official statement was released by Dr. Dimitri Nomochov Tuesday morning in Chicago in which he stated “we’re pretty much almost positive that gasoline has no benefit in prolonging human life and it’s probably not a great idea to drink it.” The statement follows after a period of ten years doing extensive research by Nomochov and his team at the American Institute of Experimental Research. Nomochov states that the team’s most recent experiment in which they paid several homeless Chicagoans to drink numerous cups of gasoline over a course of several days was the most revealing because several of the subjects became overcome with nausea and eventually unresponsive. When asked if they were one hundred percent certain of their find, Nomochov revealed that the team can no longer afford to carry on with the study since they spent most of their grant money on Mentos and Diet Coke.