Today’s Top News Stories

Child Becomes Youngest University Student, Throws Nut Into A Cup

LUANDA, ANGOLA—Although there has been much controversy with the diminished quality of the American education system, history was made in Luanda, Angola Thursday when 14-year-old Djimon Chumbra officially became the youngest student to be admitted to The University of Luanda, the country’s most prestigious and only university. Kandeh Bumkella spoke on behalf of the university’s acceptance committee when he explained that Chumbra passed the entrance exam with “flying colors” when she exemplified extraordinary skill at throwing a nut into a cup. She was also asked to take on the task of slitting a goat’s throat, releasing the blood into a gourd, and mixing it with the goat’s milk. Chumbra is looking forward to broadening her horizons and would like to someday be a successful accountant. Chumbra is excited about her first courses at The University of Luanda: An Introduction to Snare Building, The Fundamentals of Basket Weaving, Foods and Other Things That Look Nice But That You Will Never Get To Try, and Tactics of Avoiding Guerrilla Warfare 101.

Study Shows That Drinking Gasoline Will Not Prolong Life

CHICAGO—An official statement was released by Dr. Dimitri Nomochov Tuesday morning in Chicago in which he stated “we’re pretty much almost positive that gasoline has no benefit in prolonging human life and it’s probably not a great idea to drink it.” The statement follows after a period of ten years doing extensive research by Nomochov and his team at the American Institute of Experimental Research. Nomochov states that the team’s most recent experiment in which they paid several homeless Chicagoans to drink numerous cups of gasoline over a course of several days was the most revealing because several of the subjects became overcome with nausea and eventually unresponsive. When asked if they were one hundred percent certain of their find, Nomochov revealed that the team can no longer afford to carry on with the study since they spent most of their grant money on Mentos and Diet Coke.